Five Reasons Why I Will No Longer Take My Toddler Out In Public:

In random order:

1) He's not yet toilet-trained, and whenever he has a blowout in public, Murphy's Law states that I must have zero diapers/wipes in the Car/handbag to clean him up with. I've said this before. The kid is smart. He can identify words, sing songs for hours on end, tell me all the colors of the rainbow and build a 1/10th scale model of Hogwarts out of Legos--but going "potty on the toilet" is BEYOND him. And of course it's MY fault I can't remember to pack a a diaper, but we're not focusing on ME...

2) If it's 1/2 hour before or after the official naptime, I'm sunk. Seriously. About 12:30, he gets downright CRABBY. And the level of "Crabbiness" goes up and up as each minute passes. As does his potential for screaming at the top of his lungs. And quite frankly, when he's not screaming, he has ONE volume setting: LOUD.

3) See Reason #2 again because my poor ears can't take it any more. 'Nuff said.

4) He acts like a monkey hyped up on narcotics 12 hours a day. And I only say 12because the other twelve hours he's asleep.

5) Three-year olds have a virtually nonexistent social filter. I could repeat anecdotes for days on this. Yesterday was the worst. We are in line at the super Walmart Subway (because it was 12:30 and he was dangerously close to an outburst because I hadn't fed him yet) and we were being waited on by a woman who was...to put it delicately...very plump. Okay, she was very round. A fact that was reinforced when my three-year old pointed at her and exclaimed with glee for everyone to hear: "LOOK MAMA, IT'S HUMPTY DUMPTY!!!"

So, I am left wondering, why, oh WHY do I take him anywhere? He sings songs at the top of his lungs. He grabs the displays in stores and everything falls to the ground. He yells embarrassing things like "PEW-EEEEE, MOM, DID YOU FART????" in a crowded grocery store. He asks for every candy bar in the checkout line. He refuses to say goodbye to the checkout lady if she's even remotely scary. I just can't take him anywhere!!!

I guess I'd better be careful, because soon he'll be all grown up and I'll wish he was three again.

For now, I'd settle for six and a half...