Friday, July 29, 2005

Why Me? Seriously...Why Me?

Quote of the Day: "Why do we call something sent by car a "shipment" and something sent by ship a "cargo?"

I hope to high heaven that I am not the only mother on this earth whose kids embarrass her daily. We're talking DAILY.
Don't get me wrong, my kids are generally well behaved at home, it's just when we get out in public (and they know I won't swat them in front of onlookers) they turn into little Jekyll/Hydes and there isn't one bloody thing I can to about it.
Yesterday was a classic. Backstory: our dog, Hagan, met a new "puppy friend" a few days ago, and my children found it highly entertaining that he was sniffing the pup's butt. I told them that that's how dogs greeted each other--by sniffing each other's butts. End of story. Or so I thought...
Cue to yesterday, when I was standing in the impossibly long Target line (I swear, I could go to the local Target at 5am in the morning and it would STILL be overcrowded, forcing me to park three miles from the main entrance...grrrrr...) Anyway, I'm taking my check card out of my wallet, and the cashier just busts out laughing. I wasn't sure if she was posessed/demonic/or suffering from drug withdrawals, so I didn't immediately look at what she was laughing at, because I was busy paying for my items. She finally asked me "is he yours?" and I turned around, and lets just say, what I saw, made me want to scream in horror:

Thing Three (my four-year old) was running up behind each person in line and sniffing their butts. And no, I am not kidding. He was getting right up close to their cracks and sniffing...just like Hagan.

I think he would have gone unnoticed except for the unfortunate "larger" lady in line three people down. After he "sniffed" her butt he said very loudly "PEWEEEEE!" and of course everyone turned to look at him.

Needless to say I was ready for the big black hole to open up in the earth and swallow me up--any moment. But it didn't, and I marched over to him and dragged him by the arm away from the people and told him (in a hissing whisper) that if he ever did that again I'd string him up by his toes and whack him with anything I could find, AND he'd be grounded for LIFE and BEYOND!!!

I am happy to say that after several at-length explanations about why we DON'T sniff people's butts, EVER, he has become contrite and promised me that he'll "never do it again."
I hope he's sincere. My nerves couldn't handle THAT again. It's almost as bad as when he was a young kid and he pointed directly to the (overlarge) breasts of a young girl and said quite loudly "WOW MOM, LOOK AT THE BOOBIES!"

I think I need a sedative.

On the Writing front, I am happy to report that I didn't write a word yesterday. I took a break. I have one YA novel that I need to finish this year, so I dusted it off and reread it last night, and I have some fresh ideas. Also, hubby is gone in Las Vegas for six days next week, so that means some serious quality writing time. Hooray!


Michelle Miles said...

Children... God made them cute for a reason - so we won't KILL them. Your story made me laugh though. :)

Ann said...

Lara - you have GOT to write a book on this stuff - the way you tell it is so funny. And everyone who's been around kids can relate.

Colin said...

LOL!!! Fantastic story!!