Monday, July 25, 2005

The Psychotic Husband

Movie Quote of the Day:
Will : You didn't beat me; you ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I'd have killed you.
Jack : And that's no incentive for me to fight fair, is it?
--Pirates of the Caribbean, Curse of the Black Pearl

I had a VERY long night. Yesterday was the hottest day of the year (and consequently the hottest night) it was 90 degrees (with 85% humidity, UGH) at midnight, and Hubby was MISERABLE. Therefore, I was miserable, as he tossed and turned, threw off the sheet, tossed and turned some more (did you turn the air up? NO! I DIDN'T TURN THE AIR UP!!) and turned the heat down to 72, a.k.a. FREAKING ICE COLD.

Here's the problem: the air conditioning vent is right next to the bed, on MY side. So it blows on me and I freeze to death, while he sweats way over on HIS side. Many times I have suggested that we trade sides, but he won't hear of it. THIS IS WHY MY HUSBAND IS PSYCHOTIC.

Or, at least stubbornly "cutting off his nose despite his face." Ever since we've been married, (nine years) I've had the right side of the bed, he's had the left. It's just the way it is. So, we always have BIG problems when it comes to watching TV, reading at night, etc. The reason? I'm on the wrong side of the bed for everything. Case in point One:
The TV is on the right side of the room. Hubby likes to watch TV lying down, and constantly complains that he "can't see over me" so I either A) Squish myself flat and watch TV in a very uncomfortable position, or B) Yell at him to get off his back and sit up because he'd never, EVER SWITCH SIDES.

Case in point Two: I like to read at night, but the table and lamp are on HIS side of the bed. I tell him "if we just switched, it would be fine." But you can imagine his response. So this morning I will be going out and buying a lamp for MY side.

And NOW, the air-conditioning vent:

Finally, at three in the morning, when I couldn't feel my limbs because they were frozen, I sat up and told Hubby that he either traded sides with me on the bed, or SO HELP ME I'M GOING TO CLOSE THE &*@#**!! AIR CONDITIONING VENT ENTIRELY!!!!

He said "Oh no you're not!" So I said he'd better change with me.
Mumbling and grumbling about my side "feeling weird" and yadda yadda yadda, he reluctantly switched sides, and LO AND BEHOLD--he could go to sleep! He even ran downstairs after a while and turned the air back up to 75, because he was a little "cold."


In other news, congratulations, Lance Armstrong. I'm sure all your fellow Tour de Francer's are jumping up and down with unmitigated glee, since now that you're retiring, they actually stand a chance next year. (Not that they are bitter about you hogging the limelight for seven years running--they really do acknowledge your supreme talent, etc. etc. and etc..)

Hey, I wear a Live strong bracelet too--I'm not dissing you. Just from here on out, the Tour de France will stop being so...predictable, you know?

I got in a meager 1000 words this weekend, which is actually a slight miracle because it was a crazy weekend. But now it's back to the grind, even though I'm worried about falling on my face in my cereal this morning because of NO sleep due to my PSYCHOTIC HUSBAND!!!!!

Okay, got that out--feeling better now.


Michelle Miles said...

ROFL... Why are men so hard-headed? Maybe since he figured out that he can actually GET COOL he'll switch permanently. I'd keep bringing it up. ;)

Yes, CONGRATS to Lance! But you're right - I hope Jan Ullrich comes back next year and actually has a shot at winning the Tour de France. That poor guy has been a bridesmaid for 7 years.

(PS Did you see Lance's kids? His son looks JUST LIKE him. They're cute.)

Ann said...

A riot! Why do men like to live a life in the deep freeze?

Colin said...

LOL! I totally and utterly empathise with yer man. Except about the pool - can't stop thinking about that - going to have to buy one now. :-)