PULCHRITUDINOUS??? What???

QUOTE OF THE DAY: The trouble with being Punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

I like to read the news. Sometimes, I even like to read the gossip-ey news. But now I’m beginning to think that gossip writers have no imagination at all, the only reason their stories are interesting is because they’re…well…gossip.

For instance, a tax analyst could clearly write gossip news, as long as they use a few key words and phrases (which personally, I’m getting sick of reading). Here are some that I sort of loathe:

1) Bling: Means jewelry, anything super sparkly, and usually hideously expensive. This word, frankly, is so five minutes ago, but gossip reporters still use it religiously.

2) Pulchritudinous Couple: Don’t ask. I know, you’re saying “Wah?” It means that the couple is prone to physical comeliness, but I think gossip people got sick of saying “ultra cute couple” and “handsome pair,” so they had to use something that made them sound remotely intelligent. Oh, and something that sent the average Joe-ina running for her Webster’s…

3) Cornea-searing: An engagement ring worn by any celebrity can’t just be a “big hunkin’ diamond” or a “large” size, it has to be cornea searing. As in “AAARGH! MY CORNEAS!!! POINT THAT THING SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!” Got it? O.K.

4) As If We Care: The typical gossip reporter, who would definitely hang outside a restaurant stoop for four hours... in a blizzard...with no munchies...and no coat--maybe only a hoodie and a bic lighter for warmth to catch a glimpse (even if it’s a grainy one from behind a six-foot Arb) of current Ultra-hot Pulchritudinous couple Tom and Katie, likes to wrap up most gossip reports with "As if we care" which helps them sound a little dignified, maybe even “above it all.” Even though they really aren’t.

5) Hot and Heavy: Celebrities don’t ever kiss or use restraint. Everything is HOT HOT HOT and HEAVY HEAVY HEAVY.

6) Snitch, Tattler, A Source Close To The Star(s): Gossip reporters like to generally "liven things up a bit" by making up outright lies, but they can't do that. They have to have a source. That's rule One of Journalism. They just don’t have to name the source. So, to get "around" the Outright Lie Thing, they use an anonymous "source." The source is usually a “snitch” or “tattler” who is uber-close to the celeb in question, and knows them intimately. (Which is really sad, because they’re just a made-up source anyway, so the whole thing is just ridiculous.) I mean let's face it: the REAL friend of a star won’t tattle to papers that their friend is cheating on his fiancee, or has skid marks in his underwear, you know?

7) Alleged: This word needs to be used liberally throughout the report. Otherwise you’ll get your ass sued for Libel. Watch out.

8) Hybrid Monikers: Whenever a celeb couple is dating, the “in thing” now is to dub the couple with a name that combines both of their names. For instance, the juggernaut of two years ago: Bennifer. (Now I think it’s Bengar, for Ben and Jen Garner.) Heaven help him if he dates a lady with “Gay” for a last name. (sorry, I couldn’t resist.) Also there’s “Brangelina” and “TomKat” for the lates couples. Let’s all say it together: As If We Care.

9) Averse: Celebs are usually Paparazzi-averse, but they can be Commitment-averse, and Stylist-averse, etc. You get the drift.

10) Reportedly; Speculation: Like Alleged, you have to use these words liberally throughout, or again, your little hiny will end up getting sued.

I just realized that I could go on forever, but here are my top ten. Now maybe I need to conquer my own addiction to said gossip columns, I mean, why is it that I look forward to reading US and PEOPLE every week?

Damn I’m pathetic.