Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sleepers and Diggers and Dozers...Oh My...(Church Version)

Okay. I have to say, I love my church. It rocks. But the PEOPLE in it, sometimes, can be...well...interesting.

The opening meeting in our ward meets at 11am, and it is Sacrament meeting. We take the Sacrament, and then we hear talks about various subjects from members of the congregation. Here's where the Funnies can sometimes kick in. Whoever is speaking that particular Sunday, sits up in front of everyone where the Bishop sits. The Entire Time. And sometimes, I think certain people have NEVER learned "Pulpit Etiquette." So, if I were to make a few rules, they would be as follows.

Rule #1: Remember, people can SEE you. And Everything You Do. So, even if you really want to scratch that itch on your backside, or get that pesky booger, you'd better refrain until after the meeting, and go somewhere private, like a bathroom stall or broom closet. I mean REALLY, folks!!! It is not attractive and ruins my spiritual experience when I see you with your finger buried halfway up your nose. And no, bending down to pretend to retrieve a hymn book and doing a quick "dig and wipe" is still VISIBLE to the rest of us. I won't name names. It's too gross.

Rule #2: If You Are Going To Fall Asleep On The Stand, Please, for the love of all that is Holy, NO SNORING. Mostly this applies to the Bishopric sitting there every Sunday, but yes, it has happened once where one man waiting to give a talk actually succumbed to a major case of The Sleepies and gave out a snort or two before waking with a jerk and realizing that he was the object of massive laughter throughout the congregation. I mean, COME ON PEOPLE!!! Use that no-snore throat spray or chew gum or sing some ridiculously upbeat song in your head but TRY not to fall asleep! Because falling asleep sitting up never turns out well.
So, that's about it. I know, sometimes church can be a tad boring (I said SOMETIMES, please, no Lightning!!!) but we all need to make the most of it. :-) So, TRY. Please!!!


Devon Ellington said...

Yep, there should be behavioral handbooks given out for church.

I remember, as a teenager, when I still went to church and was an acolyte, we had special etiquette training and were expected to be very still except when we assisted in communion.

We wore some pretty inappropriate things under our robes sometimes, but we looked properly respectful to the congregation!

Anonymous said...

Hey . . . you should write a book about this! It is hilarious.

Jennifer said...

Sister ringing boobs! no way

Anonymous said...

OMG I think I just wet myself!