Yesterday Through Hagan's Eyes

Hagan is a 5-month old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel we brought home four months ago. He's always looking at us as though we've gone slightly mad, so I decided to think about what it would be like to be in HIS shoes...

Monday, December 20th:
6:30 a.m. I have to go to the bathroom. Must go. I have been dutifully holding it until the small and big hands on the clock are both pointing to six. This is now my cue to whine and scratch at my crate, because I have to GO TO THE BATHROOM!!! Whine. Scratch scratch.
Nothing. If someone doesn't hear me soon, I'll have to bark. Whine. Scratch scratch.
Ah, I hear a sound, yes, YES! It's my MOMMY! She's coming down the stairs to let me out of prison! I get to go outside! Yay!! I am just so excited that I finally get to pee that my tail (geesh that thing has a mind of its own) is thumping the sides of the crate quite loudly: thwack thwack thwack thwack.
Mommy is putting on her coat and mumbling about something; I'm not able to make it out. I catch the words "too friggin early" and "you're lucky you're cute" but I have no idea what those mean. All I know is in about 15 seconds I get to PEE!!! YAY! (thwack thwack thwack). Now I am so excited my whole back half is wagging out of control. Most embarrassing, but I'm too overjoyed at the prospect of peeing to care.
The cage is opened, my leash is put on, and I am at the door! The door slides open and...wait....what is this? White stuff? How pretty! Mommy is standing in it, saying words like "damn cold" and "hurry up" and looking slightly annoyed so I guess I'd better get going.
WAIT. The white stuff is cold! BRRRR! Where's my sweater? No one told me about this stuff! Sniff sniff. Uh oh. This could be a problem...sniff sniff. Oh, no, the scent is gone! I can't smell anything! It's covered over by the white stuff! I guess I'll have to sniff the whole backyard until I catch a whiff of scent, since I have to find exactly the right spot to pee in. It should only take about ten minutes...
Later...
My family is strange. I've decided that they run around a lot. Especially after they all sit at the table in the morning. (I can't tell what they're doing, but they don't make much noise). They all get up from the table and run in different directions. And Mommy always yells. She yells at them to clean up the table. She yells at them that they wore that shirt yesterday and no way will they wear it again today. She yells up the stairs that they need to get their hair done. She yells that they need to wear the thick coat and not the thin one. Then they yell that they are NOT wearing the fluffy earmuffs and she yells at them that they WILL or they will catch Pneumonia and die, whatever that means.
Luckily she doesn't yell at me. She stopped doing that after I learned to not pee and poop in the house.
Later...
Mommy is upset. She's on the phone, (to Daddy I think) complaining about the roads. She's saying that there's so much salt on the roads, the car looks like it's had a run in with a Christmas-tree Flocking Machine and she's used up all her windshield wiper fluid in one afternoon. Now she's complaining that she needs more hours in the day. Poor Mommy. Maybe if I climb into her lap and poke her with my cold wet nose she'll want to play with me.
Later...
My Mommy is DEFINITELY strange. She's dancing in front of the computer now. Now she's picking up the phone and pushing buttons. That phone looks tasty...
She's talking very excitedly. Something about the "do not disturb sign being off the door at J.K. Rowling's site" and something about a release date of harry potter and the half blood prince. Wow. She's really excited about this one. She's distracted too. If I just slip out of my bed and sneak into the living room she doesn't like me to go into...
Later...
I am just SO excited that I found my chewing bone behind the sofa! I've been smelling it for weeks and I just knew it was somewhere back there. I took the opportunity to sneak back there and grab it while Mommy was glued to the screen with human words on it at her desk...she didn't even notice. She's been staring at that screen for an hour now, tapping on the buttons furiously with her fingers, pausing only to rub her hands together in fiendish glee.
Yep, People are strange. I am the only sane one around here.
And I lick my butt, for Pete's sake!